Helping Siblings of Autistic Kids – Love, Jealousy, and the Quiet Burden


When you have a child with autism, they often need more time, more energy, more everything. But there’s someone else quietly navigating that world too — their sibling.

For us, that’s Ted.

He’s grown up watching his older brother, Kai, get extra help, therapy sessions, attention during meltdowns, and different rules. And Ted, who’s neurotypical, sometimes gets left in the shadows. Not because we love him less — but because survival demands it.

Helping siblings of autistic kids means recognising they carry a unique emotional load:

  • Confusion: “Why does Kai get out of chores?”

  • Guilt: “I wish I was the one with autism so Mum wouldn’t be so tired.”

  • Anger: “I just wanted us to go to the park, but we had to come home early because of Kai’s meltdown.”

  • Pride: “Kai can name every planet and remember all the train lines in London!”

Ted has asked questions no child should have to think about. “Will Kai ever be able to live on his own?” “Will I have to take care of him when you’re gone?” That’s a big weight on little shoulders.

So how do we support siblings like Ted?

1. Give them time too

It’s easy to always be “in crisis mode” with an autistic child. But even 15 minutes a day one-on-one with Ted – building LEGO, reading, or walking to the shop – shows him he matters.

2. Let them feel all the feelings

Siblings need a safe space to say, “I’m jealous,” or “I’m angry,” without being made to feel guilty. We talk to Ted about fairness versus sameness. Everyone gets what they need, not necessarily the same thing.

3. Celebrate their role

Ted is patient, empathetic, and protective. We remind him that he’s not just a support for Kai – he’s himself. His needs and dreams matter too. He’s not the backup plan. He’s our son.

4. Keep it honest, age-appropriate

We don’t sugar-coat things. If Kai is having a tough time, we say, “His brain is struggling right now. It’s not your fault. And it’s okay to be upset too.”

5. Let them be kids

We try not to make Ted the peacekeeper or the ‘good kid’ all the time. He gets to be messy, loud, wrong, silly – just like any child. His identity shouldn’t be shaped solely around his brother’s needs.

Raising siblings of autistic kids is about balance. Ted is growing up in a family that talks about emotions, differences, and neurodiversity openly. That’s a gift. But it’s also a challenge.

We remind him often: You are seen. You are enough. You are loved — not just for how well you handle things, but for who you are.

This post is for the quiet heroes. The siblings. The ones who wait patiently, who understand more than they should, who grow into fiercely kind, empathetic humans. We see you. And we thank you.

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